Moments of doubt

In this post about how I got into prostate pleasure, I talked about getting over the hang ups that I, like a lot of men, had about masculinity and male-receptive anal penetration. I have definitely come a long way since then in terms of “opening up” to it and embracing prostate pleasure. But the truth is, I still have moments where I feel embarrassed about liking prostate stimulation – it’s something I still have to work on. Recently I’ve been going through moments of doubt. But I’ve found ways to deal with those moments – to process the feelings of doubt and get me back to a place where I own it and think to myself: this is who I am and this is what I like!

One thing I do when I have those moments of doubt is to go back and re-read the great chapter in The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure called “Real Men Don’t”, which addresses hang-ups about sexual orientation, masculinity and gender roles. One deep-seated misconception we have is that receiving penetration is the woman’s role in sex and so if a man receives penetration he is being feminized – especially because penetration is also often associated with domination. The second misconception is that if you like it, you must be gay. Charlie Glickman and Aislinn Emirzian, the authors of the guide, say that these misconceptions lead to the idea that “if a guy opens his ass to some love, it makes him less of a man”.

They also talk about what they call the “Act Like a Man” box. This is a set of ideas about what a “real man” that are prevalent in our culture and that we as men absorb from when we are growing up. The box leads us to judge ourselves (internalized judgement) and makes us scared to go outside the box, which limits us and keeps us from exploring and expressing our genuine selves – in other words, not being true to ourselves. (Women also absorb these ideas about what a “real man” is, which leads them to judge men who do not fit with these ideas, and in turn leads to straight men to fear going outside of the box even more because women might think they are less of a man.)

Another thing I do is to consciously think back to what my partner told me when I was first exploring prostate pleasure: “It is your mind thinking: I do enjoy it, but wait, maybe I shouldn’t.” She was so right! But it’s one of those things that I have to keep reminding myself of. Although deep down I know I do enjoy it, my mind keeps coming back and saying “maybe I shouldn’t”. When that happens, I try to kinda step outside of myself and see what it for what it is – all those misconceptions about how a man is supposed to experience sexual pleasure making me doubt myself even though it feels so good. It's just a matter of accepting it.

Re-reading The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Play and reminding myself of what my partner told me helps me reaffirm to myself that it’s okay to like prostate pleasure. Who cares if some people think it’s weird? As Glickman and Emirzian say, just because some people are uncomfortable with the idea of prostate play doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with it. In fact, they say that, in their experience, men who explore prostate pleasure are among the most secure in their masculinity: “They’ve examined themselves, faced their fears, and worked through it.” I may not be totally there yet – as my moments of doubt show – but I’m getting there!